Erev Tisha B'Av Two Years Later: A Follow-up

Sometimes I write a blog post and I think it's just okay.  Maybe I just needed to get some thoughts out and wasn't in the right place of mind to write well and coherently, maybe it sounded better in my head, or often I just wait too long to get it all down.  Once in a rare while, and especially rare now that I write so infrequently, I amaze myself.  This post I wrote almost exactly two years ago is an example of the latter:
http://beqx1.blogspot.co.il/2011_08_01_archive.html
It makes sense that I looked back on it last Tisha B'Av and again this year on Erev Tisha B'Av.  Now I think it is time for a follow-up.

Gila and I have been asked numerous times why we decided to open our own gan.  Basically for years we would joke about how there were things being done where we worked that we loved or hated, and one day we would make a gan that had all the things we loved and avoided all the things we hated. Then one day we thought we could pull it off, which was probably the most ridiculous and naive thought ever, but we did.  We took our list of a hundred things and were determined to make them all happen.  Then we found out that, big shocker, running a business isn't as easy as we thought.  Okay, we never thought it was easy, but we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  So probably something like 75 of those 100 awesome ideas never happened.  Some of them were inexcusable and some of them practically just couldn't pan out.  But things can only get better, and we are grateful to the families who were basically our guinea pigs for the past two years and excited to start all over again next month with a new group.  This time around we'll go for 50 out of 100.

Back to the point of this post, which is what I wrote about two years ago.  Gila and I had a long list of ideas and goals, but one thing was at the very top of it, and that was focussing on emotional and social development.  We wanted our kids to have the life skills they need to survive out there in the big crazy world.  That sounds like a ridiculous thing to say about such little people.  Think about it though.  For most of them gan is the first place they are sharing their space, sharing their toys, and having peers influence their moods and emotions.  Gan is where they learn to get along, learn about mistakes and consequences, and learn how to stand up for themselves.

The same thing happened in my gan these past few months that happened in my previous gan at the end of two years together.  Everyone was just sick of each other.  In gan they are sick of each other's shtick, feel that life is unfair, and there is a clear underlying stress about starting to realize that a big transition is coming really soon.  No one likes change.

Now, while my gan kids were all dealing with each other for the past two years, I was dealing with their parents, which 99% of the time was a nothing but wonderful experience.  In that post two years ago I wrote about how kids learn to push each other's buttons.  They learn what really gets to each other.  Well, the past two years I learned what really gets to me.  It was NOT fun.  I mean, I did not know I had that many buttons to push.  But I was learning the same way the kids were learning.  I had to suffer consequences for my actions, even when my actions were warranted and appropriate.  I was allowed to be upset and angry, but I had to be careful not to take it out on anyone else.  Recently we were talking about a kid who tended to dig himself into a deeper hole when already in trouble, for example he would keep yelling at a friend or grown-up even though he knew he was making his situation worse, and then talked about how that's the kind of bad habit that you never quite give up.

In gan we were very big on kids learning from consequences.  Hitting is never okay, but when a kid is hit because they were being annoying, we point out that maybe they could have avoided this situation, and that we hope they learn for next time.  And then if the same situation happens again we remind them of what happened last time.  I never saw this in my old gan.  It would always be straight to time out without any discussion of what happened, should have happened, and what can happen next time. Thinking back on the past two years, I realize how much I benefited from our approach as much as the kids did.  Any time I would have an unfortunate encounter with a gan parent or anyone else I would come out of it with the attitude that I learned something and can only hope the other person learned something too.  And if they didn't learn it from whatever happened with me, hopefully they would learn it from watching their kids, because I have to say: We did it.

Our kids say "I'm playing with that" instead of pushing.  They say "I don't like that!" instead of pushing.  When they are having a hard time calming down they often take themselves to another room to calm down.  If we make them sit off to the side to take a break, they get up and say "I'm ready to calm down and be a good friend now." and most of the time they mean it, and they prove it to us too.

I don't know how we did it.  How did we pull this off?  Let alone everything else that has to do with the gan.  How did we pull THIS off?  I'm nine times their age and I still struggle with it, and it isn't because I wasn't taught it in gan.  I know they will always struggle with it and we can only hope that they take these skills with them to their new schools next year and better yet - teach them to their new classmates.

I meant what I wrote two years ago that I learned a tremendous amount from the kids in my old gan. They learned life skills too, even if they had to do it the hard way and with less guidance from the grown-ups in gan.  There is an obvious feeling of accomplishment for myself, Gila, and our staff. There is also the added benefit that I helped teach them these skills and they teach them right back to me.

I know they are going out into the big crazy world ready for anything, and they feel ready, but they have absolutely no idea how complicated life can get.  Having their best friend knock down their block tower will be the least of it.  This past year was not the easiest for me.  Exhibit A: the entire month of February, and most of you only know the half of it.  Lets just say it took a lot of "life skills" to get through it.

I'm so lucky that I get to go to gan every year, and not because I get to spend my days fingerpainting, playing with my food, and building with Legos.  I get to have a refresher course every year on how to be a good person and a good friend.  I also get reminded that sadness and anger are legitimate feelings. There was one day I didn't feel well and muttered "I feel crappy" under my breath.  This kid with the best hearing ever asked me what crappy means.  I told her that it meant I was having a bad day, that I know I will feel better eventually, and that maybe I should have chosen a different word.  There are bad days and sad days and unfair days but we get over them and we learn from them.  We learn from each other; we learn from our mistakes and each other's mistakes.  And that's what's going to help make this world a better place.

I said this in the other post and I'll say it again:  If the gan kids can do it, we can do it too.