My Many Talents

I am Hebrew-Composition-BSer extraordinaire. Every other week I am supposed to choose from a list of 15 topics, of which, for some reason, at least half have to do with politics, and write something like sixteen sentences in Hebrew about it. The teacher then marks up the composition with a series of cryptic symbols for us to interpret so we can revise our work and hand it back in two weeks later. This morning I wrote about whether or not politics interest me. I don't know how much of what I wrote I actually believe but hey, as long as I have something to hand in. Why should my one page assignments be any different than my ten page ones?

I am also very cranky. I've been tired and lacking in energy and can't figure out why. And I went to five parties in the past five days. And my teacher confronted me (nicely) after class and asked if I was falling asleep because I didn't understand what she was talking about. I wasn't about to tell her that I don't think anything concrete is actually discussed in the class. Instead, in my expert I-now-know-how-Israelis-really-talk Hebrew responded "סתם, אני עייפה" ("I'm just tired"). I successfully stayed awake in the following class. I've been feeling really self-conscious about my head lobbing forward when I space out and get sleepy. It rarely has anything to do with the class. Probably has more to do with spending my days sitting through hour and a half long classes. I also noticed that I only doze off when my classmates are speaking. Probably because they just like hearing the sound of their voice. A note about my classmates though- my going away reminded them how fascinating I am in their eyes. They were eager to hear about where I'm from and then asked the famous question of "So we're glad you're here, but why in the world did you leave?" איך אומרים brainwash בעברית? Yes, I really responded that. I should probably come up with the Hebrew to be a bit more thorough in these conversations.

Back to the five parties in five days. Not surprisingly, this was all really overwhelming for me. Each party had its perks though. The first one was a fellow UMD grad celebrating his recent official declaration of aliyah. I pretty much only spoke to other UMD grads. It's sort of like my safety zone. No shtick, no small talk-- just shmoozing. The second one was a kiddush hosted by someone in Katamon in honor of his birthday. Same old. Feel free to refer to past postings for that. Well same old except for the game I mistakenly encouraged a friend to play. Mental note: Do not encourage a married person to get drunk and hit on random guys. She may take you seriously, and that's just wrong. The third party was in Nachlaot. I had never been to Nachlaot so this was more of an adventure, and I was happy to find two friends to at least somewhat willingly be dragged along as wingmen, and that they were friends equally weary about stepping foot in Nachlaot. We survived. I spoke to one person about plans to play catch and other stories from the weekend. I had no desire to attempt conversation with anybody else. If I had, this is pretty much how it would go:

me: Hey, how've you been?
person: Good, and you?
me: Pretty good.
person: How was the US?
me: It was great (depending on my mood, may add in cynical comment about how it was
wonderful and I should have never left)
person: Cool. I read your status updates.
me: That's wonderful.
[awkward backing up and both of us moving on to have exact sort of conversation with someone else]

At the third party I just spoke to the person next to me. We both went to UMD and didn't really know each other there, but now we have been to the same four parties in five days (among other events) and manage to have conversations that go beyond "You're in grad school, right? I know I use this as a conversation starter every time we talk but it's just easier this way."

And it is easier. I totally appreciate that. And I'm glad there are these constant parties with the same people because each time I have more people to say hi to and besides random encounters on shabbat or shabbat meals I have to face the facts: unless I make plans with people, this is when I'm going to see them. Making plans is tricky because everyone has different schedules I don't know about and... okay fine, I'm a wimp and even if I'm sure I'll have a super awesome time going out for ice cream with a few people I don't make the phonecalls. Is that reason for me not to have the right to complain? Eh, maybe. There's definitely more to overcome.

A few weeks ago when I was on my way from the airport to College Park I called my friend to let him know I was almost there. "We're going to a church rummage sale. Get here soon." This sounded perfectly normal to me, and we did in fact go to a church rummage sale. I wanted to buy something small but noticeable to have on an end table or something here in Israel and when someone commented on it I could casually say "Oh that, I got that a church rummage sale. Wonderful deal." Sadly I did not find anything worthy. Sometimes I wonder if in my post-college life I'm supposed to do more sophisticated things and not be as goofy. Maybe I get frustrated because I'm supposed to be different, or maybe because I am different and haven't figured out yet how I've changed.

In either case it upsets me that possibly except for the people who have been over for meals and seen my train set and read my picture books, or have asked questions about my interests beyond explaining what my degree is in, I still feel unknown. Not so much understood. When someone hears that I was so happy when I finally had the chance to go down that huge slide at Gan Sakker I have no reason to think they won't understand what I'm talking about (even if they don't admit it). I also used to be hopelessly optimistic about almost everything. Consider that for a moment.

The fifth party was last night in honor of Lag Ba'Omer. There was a decent bonfire and huge amounts of people. The party was in honor of a bunch of friends going into the army this week. While I was totally party-ed out, I felt it was a worthy cause for celebration. A few of them were guys I met pretty soon after making aliyah, and I know that finally starting the army is really important to them. So I went. But this time, I carefully selected who I was going to talk to. That basically meant I spoke to the few people I hadn't seen at at least one of the past four parties. I also targeted (wow, that word seems so wrong here) people I thought I could have conversations with that went beyond the script posted above. I think I was somewhat successful, but like in any social situation you don't always get to choose the people you talk to. I'm not trying to insult everyone else. Really. It just sounds that way. But last night I learned some important things about myself (and probably others picked up on it as well).

When I get socially overwhelmed, I am very good at getting cranky. When I get cranky, I can be more cynical. Add being tired and frustrated on top of that and I might border on being rude. I apologize to anyone who suffered because of that. Another thing to know is that when I get that cranky I need to unwind, and unwinding might involve spending an hour sitting in the park blowing bubbles. I am starting to seriously wonder how to present myself to my "new world" the way I want to be known and understood so that maybe the script can become an ancient blog entry. So lets start with that. Blowing bubbles is relaxing. I plan to partake in that activity in the near future. If you can appreciate that, that's awesome- lets talk. If not, we'll stick with the script. But I'd really rather not.