כחלום יעוף

Dear Miriam,

Last week I was thinking that the next funeral of a grandmother I would go to would be that for my own grandmother. Yes, that may sound a bit morbid, but my grandmother is a few months shy of her 101st birthday. She is old, her body is getting weaker, and her time may come soon. I will of course be devastated - there is no questioning that. But how will it even compare to the funeral of your grandparents last night?

We can start with basic arithmetic. The age of your maternal grandparents combined is not even 2 years higher than the age that just my grandmother is now.

I am a sucker for sweet grandparents. Could be because I grew up with four fabulous ones. I've also picked up a few "adopted grandparents" on the way because you can never have enough old people who tell you nice things about yourself (or even constructive criticism, once in awhile).

In my job as a ganenet, I have more than the pleasure of getting to know fantastic kids like yourself (and you are, in fact, one of the most fantastic kids I have had the pleasure of having in my classroom). It's a people job, which has its ups and downs. But among its ups is getting to meet the wonderful people who go along with the fantastic kids I hang out with every day. Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, and of course grandparents. The grandparents are some of the best, for when I see them, or rather when I see them see their grandchildren, it is often the first time in awhile that they've seen each other. Even if it's just been a few days since the last meeting, there's still that excitement. There's just something special in that relationship.

Your grandparents were no different. They would arrive in gan for pick-up just hours after landing in Israel. Your excitement would be contagious (as it is for so many other things, which is why we love you so much). Hurray! Sabu and Savtu (as you called them) are here! When I was your age, my grandparents were 20+ years older than your grandparents were. How fun it was for you to have such able and mobile grandparents in your life, ones who could technically lived in New Jersey but we would still see here in Israel on a regular basis. You were so lucky.

Your Savta bought you the most fabulous clothes. We constantly joked that you were better dressed than we could ever dream of being. I got excited when my mom bought my niece a skirt just like yours because it was one of my favorites. I loved seeing your grandparents, whether it be for a 7:30am drop off or pick-up at the end of the day. Or there was that one time you came late because they took you out for chocolate milk and a muffin at Tal Bagels, and warned us that you probably wouldn't be hungry for awhile. And there were all those days you played hooky to spend time with your Saba and Savta, which was the perfect excuse to miss a day in gan.

I remember the day your Savta brought you to gan and whispered to me that your mommy was in labor with Meira. You thought your mommy was at work. Your Savta was also the one who shared the news with us that you had a baby sister - that they had a new granddaughter. Try hard to remember the times you had with your grandparents so that you can tell Meira all about them when she's older. Your time with them was far too short, but you are already have the makings of an excellent storyteller.

Last night a lot of people gathered to say goodbye to your grandparents, Ari and Sari Horowitz z"l. Some were there as friends of your grandparents, some as friends of your parents, and I was there for you. When I saw your mommy crying, I thought about the only other time I saw her cry. On the second day of Gan Shelanu's inaugural year, and the first where the parents were expected to leave, only one out of our seven kids cried (obviously it was not you). And one parent cried too. Your mommy looked over her shoulder with a tear streaked face as she said goodbye and walked out. When she returned she said that she was in labor with you for multiple days, but that those were the hardest two hours of her life. She turned to you and told you to say goodbye, and you turned back to your mommy, said goodbye to her, and resumed playing with your new friends. When I think about your mommy crying, I hope I can remember that story first, and not the pain of watching her cry at her parents' funeral last night.

Last Friday, the day before the accident, I was texting with your mommy about finding a time for you to visit gan. She asked if you could spend the whole day, and we without a doubt said yes. Now I don't know when that will happen, but you should know that in the meantime we have been praying for your Uncle Amiad to get better quickly. We are learning more about what tefilah is and about Hashem being the creator of everything in this world. I told your friends that we can say a tefilah like Modeh Ani to say thank you for a new day, but when we say a tefilah like Modeh Ani we can also think about someone who isn't doing so well and ask Hashem to give them a good day too. Your friends at gan will continue to daven for Amiad for as long as it takes.

I obviously could not even begin to tell them about what happened to your grandparents. That isn't just because they are just 2 and 3 years old. You were always wise beyond your years, but you can't possibly understand what really happened. But the other reason I couldn't begin to tell them is because I can't even understand. We taught your friends in gan about how Hashem is the creator of everything, and that we are thankful for such a wonderful world to live in. But how could I now tell them that Hashem takes away too? How can I tell them something I even as a grownup will never comprehend?

Rosh Hashannah davenning took on a whole new meaning for many of us this year. The phrase that caught my attention most was in the paragraph about how man comes from dust and returns to dust, comes from nothing and returns to nothing. The final phrase is כחלום יעוף, that man is like a fleeting dream. There was a lot of dust in the air last night as your Saba and Savta were buried side by side. But I think the idea of a fleeting dream is a nicer (if that's even possible) way of talking about a life that is lost. Your grandparents were full of dreams - for themselves, for your mother, father and uncle, and for you and Meira. Their chances at their personal dreams left this world with them, but the rest of you are still going to live out the rest of them, especially living here in Israel.

Your mommy said last night that she always felt her parents gave her big shoes to fill and she was always trying so hard to make them proud. As someone who loved trying on all your friends' shoes while they slept in the other room and you entertained us in the main room, you can help your mommy fill those shoes. And you can also do wonderful things just by being you, and it will be an even bigger tribute to your Saba and Savta.

Keep making us smile and laugh - we need it more now than ever.

Love, Rebecca

Is this what it's like to be a real person?

I've made a few observations about my life since finishing grad school (well "finishing" here is used loosely, but I might get to that later). The first observation is that I don't clean my room and the rest of my apartment nearly as often as I used to. The other observation is that I haven't written in my blog for awhile. Ironically, cleaning is something I would often do when I'd be tired of sitting still and doing work, and blogging is what I'd do when I felt inspired to write but bored by my schoolwork. In other words, they were key forms of procrastination.

It is now March. I recently settled a dispute with Hebrew U over a 4000 shekel charge they felt I owed them. It was lowered to 30 shekels. I emailed my department secretary to ask if I had anything else to sort out, but I did not receive a response, so instead I'll just hold my breath until I am handed a diploma and then rejoice at having gotten away with not passing Hebrew. However since after digging I found what might be my graduation date but not being certain, I am holding my breath for an undetermined amount of time.

March also means that my gan has been open and running for six months. Six months is a long time. Six months ago Gila and I held our breaths and opened a business we had no guarantee was going to succeed. We had seven kids. Beginning after Pesach, we will have fourteen. Doubling in size in seven months. Not bad. We had to go out and buy new bigger tables. Even better- we could afford to go out and buy new bigger tables. We can also afford to support our crazy sticker habit. For example when we went into the store to purchase the tables, we said "hey lets look at stickers first" and proceeded to make a pile of like ten packages of stickers that we HAD to have. And then yesterday, about a week later, we realized we didn't have good Spring themed stickers so I HAD to go back to the store and buy even more stickers! Life is rough, I tell you.

Needless to say, Gila and I are having a fantastic time running our gan. We also happen to have fantastic kids (and parents). Our kids are so fantastic that last week we took them to the zoo on the bus because we knew they could do it, and they did. They walked up to the top of the zoo and back down. There was no crying, no meltdowns. They just skipped on up. One took big steps while saying over and over "I'm taking BIIIIG steps and BIIIIG steps and BIIIG steps". Smiles all around. And they all thought taking the bus was so cool, especially when other buses pulled up next to us and they could see more people riding on a different bus, because when you're 2, things like that are totally amazing.

Today I was thinking about the post I wrote for Tisha B'Av/ finishing my job in Gan Pashosh. What I wrote then holds even more true in my life now. Now that I play an even more significant role in the lives of a bunch of naive little toddlers, it is that much more incredible watching them learn the basic lessons of life. Like if you lean forward on your chair, you probably will fall off of it, and it probably will hurt when you hit the floor. If you eat with your hands instead of a fork, you might bite your hand and it will also hurt. If you grab a toy from a friend, your friend will be sad. Your friend might also smack you on the head, and that can hurt too. Also if you lay down, you're practically asking everyone else to come sit on you. Don't believe me? Try it out in my gan. Actions and consequences are a big part of life. I don't think we ever stop being reminded of that though.

So I used to pretend that once I was a real person so much wouldn't be complicated anymore because I would be set on what I'll be doing for the next few years. Not surprisingly, I was wrong. Or I guess I was right that I was pretending. I am as confused as ever, if not more so, but I'm having fun (most of the time), and I play with toys all day and get to buy lots of stickers.

Could be worse :-)



And oh yeah, thank goodness for good friends. Now that I'm a real person, I think it's about time I make some more of them.

A Family Holiday

My mother always jokes how Pesach is a "family holiday". It's a week-long occasion when for better or worse everyone is more or less stuck under one roof making varying efforts to get along with each other. It's beautiful to be together, and everybody breathes a huge sigh of relief when it's all over.

Two weeks ago my family celebrated a family holiday of a different sort. On December 23rd, my Grandma Rose turned 100. When Gila and I started discussing logistics for the gan, on the list was how I would take off for this occasion. Chanukah vacation was planned accordingly. I was not going to miss this. My brother and his family made their plans to come in from Israel and my sister made plans to come in from DC. We were all going to be together. No yom tov and a house with an endless supply of bagels and muffins- this was going to be good.

It was spectacular. After my grandma got over the crazy idea that we all just came because we thought she was dying, we all shared a special weekend together. The birthday cards came pouring in. A "little birdie" (who I call Ema) made sure that cards were received from President Obama and Governor Patrick. One of the most beautiful acknowledgements came from Yad Sarah, an organization my grandmother has supported for years. They posted a birthday message to my grandmother on their digital message board outside the building and had it up for all of Chanukah.

On Grandma Rose's actual birthday we had a photographer come to do family pictures. I had been trying to get at least my siblings to do this for years and they would just whine about it. Suddenly everyone thought it was a great idea. I can't wait to see how they came out.

Visitors came throughout the day and over shabbat. Grandma Rose got a phonecall from her cardiologist and a special visit from her visiting nurse and cardiac nurse. They brought her flowers, as did tens of other people. This visit made my grandmother's day and she was glowing through shabbat dinner after they left. Her day health aide had bought a camera special for the occasion of her birthday and took a picture of them. These people have kept my grandmother alive and healthy, and we are grateful for their love and care.

My niece and her parents arrived just in time for the first night of Chanukah. Having four generations light candles together was really special. On Saturday night everyone was together. Can't remember the last time the three of us siblings were together for Chanukah.

My trip started out with my usual jumping around from place to place. I spent my first morning at my Aunt and Uncle's house in New Jersey and then journeyed to NY for an evening out with friends. It's always fun making a bunch of friends for all different times in my life have dinner together and all become friends with each other. But for most of my trip I stayed still. Well, I spent hours and hours at stores shopping for the gan and once in awhile for myself, but I more or less stayed still. I got to light Chanukah candles every night with my family and see my niece every morning when I woke up ("Becca jammies!") and best of all was the monkey pajama party with my niece (we both have footsie pajamas with a monkey on them).

We are confident that Grandma Rose enjoyed her birthday. We did not know what to expect. I hope she realized that we were there fully to celebrate her long life and not in anticipation of what is to come. As exciting as it is to have a grandmother that old it is incredibly daunting, but every day since I got back I have thought about how beautiful my trip and her birthday celebration was.

It was a family holiday, but one we are still celebrating.